By Yang Miang

 

An argument is an unpleasant conversation between two or more persons. Usually each side advocates his or her own opinion and will ignore the points raised by the opposing side(s). 

I think I have gotten into enough trouble with my spouse, family, friends, and colleagues to give some advice on how to start an argument. If you are trying to avoid an argument, you can simply do the opposite of the advice below. 

        

1. Focus 100% on what you want to say. An argument picks up pretty easily when the opposing side(s) sense that you are ignoring his or her opinions. Let’s say you are discussing where to go for holiday and you have always wanted to go to Las Vegas, but your spouse wants to go to Beijing. To start an argument, you will keep telling your spouse why Las Vegas is a must-go. You can even spice things up by highlighting the pollution in Beijing and all its downsides. Once your spouse knows that you are very insistent on your own point of view, she or he will typically start to react by highlighting hers or his opinions more strongly. To ensure that the argument spirals, you should escalate it by continuing to reinforce your own points.
2. Let your negative emotions take the lead. Generally, emotions can be positive (e.g. joy and gratitude) or negative (anger and greed). To help you start an argument, you should let your negative emotions fester and explode. To do that you let the negative thoughts arising from your negative emotions take charge. The most effective emotion in setting off solid no-holds-bar arguments is obviously anger. When a person is angry, his or her behaviours are very aggressive. The aggressiveness will be especially valuable in sparking off and sustaining an argument. So let your internal Hulk take charge!
3. Keep arguing; don’t stop. Some arguments stop when one of the parties stop arguing. As the wise saying goes, “You can’t play ping pong alone”, so whenever the ball is in your court, you will have to do your part by spurting out some arguments… even if they don’t make sense. Express the negative thoughts that arise in your mind with expressive body language and speeches. Worry about the consequences later.
4. Make reference to past arguments. Our memories of past arguments serve as good catalyst for a heated argument. You should use phrases like, “Aiyah, you ALWAYS like dat! Never ever listen to me!” This can spark off some defensive arguments with examples trying to prove that you are wrong. You should ignore those examples and use more of your one-sided examples to justify your point. 
5. Take things personally. Never be objective if you want to start an argument. Whatever happened, it’s about you and nothing else. For e.g., if the others don’t agree with what you are proposing, take it as an attempt to hurt you on purpose. Keep this in mind, “They are out to get me. *sob* I’ll have to defend myself.”

 

I’m very confident that if you practise the above pointers, you will get into arguments all the time. 

With these heated arguments, you will sooner or later experience consequences like shortage of friends to go out with, difficulties in getting things done, and health problems like heart diseases and mental stress. 

However, if you prefer not to have arguments and its related consequences, you should do the opposite of the above 5 pointers and Be with Buddha constantly.

By Kaisen

 

At some point of time in our lives, we would probably have heard someone telling us that we are responsible for our own success, happiness and cultivation. These are the things that we ought to constantly persist and apply ourselves to, because while other people can help us, they can’t do it for us. The kind people around us can at the very most, always be there to teach, encourage, remind and mentor us. Ultimately, it is still up to ourselves to put in genuine effort and make the good stuff happen. 

 

If the above made sense to you, then have you ever wondered why are there so many people who are determined to constantly demand themselves to better their lives and cultivation, but unwittingly allow others to take control of their emotions? Just think about the times other people have made us felt a certain way. Why do we earnestly endeavour to rely on ourselves when it comes to performing better at school or work, developing more fulfilling relationships and cultivating with greater diligence, yet seem less inclined to rely on ourselves to be the master of our emotions? It would take some of us many years before we realized that we have spent a significant part of our lives feeling and reacting to what others think, expect and say about us. It’s almost as if we were born to live lives that are governed by the thoughts and behaviour of others. Or as I sometimes call it – a self-imposed slave for masters of no value (if you are confused by that, please allow me to save the explanation for another time). If we would only be concerned more about how to benefit others and less about how we are perceived in their minds, which we have no control of anyway, our lives would be a whole lot simpler and probably happier. 

 

The next time your emotions are affected by others, take a deep breath and try to notice that as long they are not physically harming you, you are unharmed! Try not to harm yourself further.

 

By Yu Cai

 

Without realising, I have already practised Buddhism for several years. I clearly know the goal of learning Buddhism and cultivating is to eliminate our bad habits and to purify our actions, speech and thoughts; only then we can unfold our wisdom.

 

In our daily lives, we communicate and speak with people all the time. If we are not tactful and say something inappropriate or offensive to people, misunderstandings may arise and we will never be able to take our words back. This is a typical example of the saying ‘Trouble begins from the mouth’.

 

Parents, when educating their children at home, have to place great emphasis on communicating with their children. Teenagers dislike their elders nagging at them. Even as a mother, trying to show concern for her children by nagging too much may upset them. At times it may cause arguments and unhappiness in the whole family, upsetting both parties. After learning Buddhism and cultivating merits, I know I must always have my awareness and wisdom when dealing with issues and not with emotions. If we find it difficult to communicate with our children or when they refuse to listen, we must tell ourselves to maintain a pure, calm mind and not to get angry.  Then we can explain with a calm and good-humoured mind to soften the atmosphere. This will ultimately dispel any anger the children have toward their parents and thus foster a better parent-children relationship. 

 

When interacting with colleagues at work, we must be fully aware of what we say to them. Only then will we be able to forge better and friendlier ties with them. There was once when my colleagues decided to meet up for a big feast to satisfy their hunger. When I knew about this, I told them they were lame and were wasting their time. Unfortunately, it was only after I said it had I realised I had said something unkind and wrong. Although this seemed like a trivial matter, it left me feeling very ashamed of my actions, which is unbecoming of a Jen Chen disciple who is supposed to be constantly aware of his/her speech and actions.

 

My husband often criticises me for being too impolite in my speech when I’m home. Though innocent words from the speaker are wrongly interpreted in the mind of the listener, I totally agree with my husband. Hopefully I can always be aware of my actions and eliminate my bad habits, lessen my karmic hindrances so as not to disappoint my Dharma teacher.

 

By Hui Qi

New Year Resolution One : To have the courage to change things and move on

 

And I wonder, that with age, what have I reaped? Years and years later, am I a better person? Am I wiser? The truth is that with constant relentless and deep reflection, I see the person for who I am. I see all my flaws and the attendant shame and if I am not careful, I fall into that dark abyss of depression and self-contempt. On more than one occasion, the truth of my intentions as a result of ruthless reflection has left me paralysed with fear and shame and the inability to innovate and lead. 

 

This is when I must take a deep breath, gather every atom of courage and strength I possess and move on, and try to make things work. 

 

New Year Resolution Two : To overcome fear of failure and to be more pro-active in the spread of the Dharma

 

When I was small, I had time to look at dust glinting in the sunlight and to wonder long and hard about the origin of dust. To look at the sea and think about swimming to the other side. I imagined that the world was my oyster and possibilities, limitless. A few decades later, that curiosity, sunny optimism and drive seems to have dissipated like dust into the wind. I remember that courage and boundless energy from my childhood and I ask myself, what happened to all that curiosity and positivity? 

 

As a Buddhist practitioner, I have to remind myself be more courageous and pro-active in helping to spread the Dharma to others. After all, the Buddha showed us how he left everything behind to seek the truth. That is, great courage and I take inspiration from that. 

 

New Year Resolution Three: Take responsibility for my thoughts, speech and action.

 

When confronted, it is a natural instinct to defend and that usually results in pushing the blame. I want to break out of this vicious cycle, this victim mentality. After all, we are taught the law of causality and that everything is a result of past actions. No more blaming the environment and my present circumstances for any negativity in thought, speech and action. This new year, I will acknowledge, take responsibility and make the best out of any situation I find myself in. 

 

New Year Resolution Four : Practise humility 

 

I realise that as I get older, I have a tendency to think that my views and opinions are better than those of the younger people or people with less experience than myself in handling a certain task. Often, the reason why I discount other opinions or solutions is because I did not think of them first (LOL) or that I have already thought of a solution and do not want to spend time exploring options and possibilities that may be better.  I can be rather brusque and brush aside rather impatiently good advice and suggestions. This arrogance goes very much against the grain of the teachings of the Buddha and is something I must watch and manage. 

 

New Year Resolution Five : To manage my time wisely

 

When I am not occupied with a task, I have the habit of looking for people, thoughts or things to fill up that gap. It may be a whole chain of meaningless, or even worse, unwholesome thoughts , it may be a movie or a mindless surfing of the internet. I strive to be more aware this new year of how I react to empty pockets of time. 

I am fast approaching the fourth decade of my life and I feel that it is time to stocktake and reflect seriously on how I would like to live out the rest of my life. Indulging in worldly pleasures at the expense of spiritual growth is my greatest temptation and I must be mindful not to give in to greed and avarice that will deepen my attachment to the material and take time away from my spiritual cultivation. 

 

How about you, dear reader? What are your resolutions for this new year? Whatever they may be, may you be blessed with the wisdom to make good choices. Let’s all work hard to make the world a better place to live in, one baby step at a time. Be with Buddha.